body count: a fic commentary

[lachrymosy]

In all these years, would you believe this is my first time writing a fic commentary post? I’m not even sure how to go about this but I’ve been wanting to write about my remix for this year’s ficmix, body count, so here goes my attempt to try to capture a little bit of this!

Shout out to bookishdagger because I’m about to format this like you did haha.



How to choose a fic to remix…

I was honestly shocked when I received the email assigning me arundels! You know your friends are doing the same events as you but never expect to get assigned to them… statistically I suppose it’s more likely to happen than not, but it still seems unlikely. I was instantly excited because obviously I know Ally’s fic so well, and I knew I had so many amazing options. And I was instantly worried because the pressure of remixing a friend’s fic is instantly higher and I knew I wanted to write something they would love.

I also think it’s important that a remix utilizes your own skills, preoccupations, etc. And Ally and I have fairly different writing styles! I didn’t want to present something that would just be an imitation of their work but something that would work together with their fic in an interesting way.

I initially toyed with remixing Gravity for several days, but ultimately decided not to. It’s a brilliant fic, but I was considering a POV remix and I ultimately realized that one of the things I love about that fic is that you’re locked out of Jeonghan’s POV. He’s inscrutable for the entire time up until he’s not, and that moment when things flip is so enjoyable to read that I realized a remix would undermine that. So it was back to the drawing board!

Somewhere along the line I re-read less lonely together, which is a pretty short fic they wrote for 17hols. I got to the section where Jeonghan lists off his past sexual partners and it hit me that there was a fic just in that. (Funnily enough, I later discovered Ally had mentioned this idea in a post reviewing their fic for potential remixers—I just didn’t realize that at that point!)


How to solve a problem like Yoon Jeonghan…

I think the fic pretty quickly became a list narrating each of those experiences. The timeline moved around a good bit in the initial stages, I had to phone-a-friend (Sapphy) for the Im Nayoung meta, and I watched a good bit of NCT content (okay like one interview) before I decided that getting into brand new groups was not in the cards for this ficmix and some of these experiences were going to have to be summarized.

But at that stage I still had in mind that the fic would be organized by numbers, since the number is important in the original. They were going to be listed chronologically. There was no addressing the reader then either. It wasn’t quite working but it wasn’t not working, either. I actually wrote up through the Nayoung section before everything clicked into place:

If your whole premise is that Jeonghan lies about his sex life, then he needs to lie.

Once I had that epiphany, my perspective on the fic totally changed. No one has mentioned this in the comments but you can’t quite make the number of people add up to eleven. You can try, but there are some vague things left vague, some unclear distinctions about whether someone was a sexual partner or not, and of course the question of how many fans he’s actually slept with by the end of the story. This was very intentional and I wanted to make sure that it didn’t add up to eleven—to emphasize that on some level, the number is arbitrary.

That’s when the fourth-wall breaking addresses to the reader (slash Seungkwan question mark? Hypothetical Seungkwan?) started becoming a big part of how the story was organized, and once I did that it became very easy to write. It’s funny because I don’t even know quite how to describe it but I feel like it’s so clear when reading it that this is Jeonghan imagining how things would go if he did answer Seungkwan… not honestly but more thoroughly, at least with something approaching honesty. But what I always intended is that what he actually SAYS is what he says in Ally’s fic. (To achieve this I had to make a slight adjustment to the dialogue so that Seungkwan asked “who?” at the beginning of the fic to get into the narration, and I kind of wish I could have made the dialogue match exactly, but I think it still works.) I envision this as that moment in That’s So Raven when she’s having a vision and it zooms into her eye and shows you a scene and then zooms back out… that’s what’s happening here, lol, except we’re zooming in on his sexual history. Whatever, everyone gets it.


How to write about sex without writing sex…

I think it’s really funny that this fic is all about sex without any detailed sex scene. I think it works better this way, actually, because the fic isn’t really about sex—it’s about intimacy, vulnerability, and fear. But nonetheless the story is organized around his sexual partners, so something had to be done.

I’m a big fan of the fade-to-black sex scene even though I am frequently trying to write better and more detailed kissing scenes. But even with kissing scenes you always run the risk of the description getting gross—some people are really good at navigating this but it is a SKILL. You’re talking about saliva and tongues, which sure, feels great in real life but seriously? It’s so easy to get taken right out of the scene. I think sex scenes are a little more complicated in some respects but in general I felt that the risk of a sex scene being tantalizing more than contributing to characterization was a big one for me, so I needed to figure out how to navigate it.

In most cases I just skipped over the actual sex part of things—it’s fine if you get that he’s having it, you still know what you need to—but there were a few cases where you needed at least something in the actual moment to understand the level of intimacy. I didn’t really plan these out but they were Seungcheol, Nayoung, Sana, and Mingyu—three of whom (Seungcheol, Nayoung, Mingyu) we can posit he’s in love with and one of whom (Sana) was set up in the scene as his foil and/or mirror.

In the first three, you get sensory details that elide the actual sex:

His knees aching on the tile of the bathroom floor and Seungcheol’s hands raked through his hair, he’d look up and watch Seungcheol tilt his head back, muffle a groan, scrunch his eyes closed.

He still thinks about it, sometimes: the resolve in her eyes as they each peeled off their clothing. The way each movement seemed to surprise her, though she didn’t want to let on. How natural everything felt, like he’d been wanting her all along and didn’t realize. The way she whispered his name like she didn’t even know she was speaking out loud, her back arched and her eyes closed as he pressed his lips against her throat.

Mouth otherwise occupied, Jeonghan did not stop to repeat.

(To be honest I thought it was very funny to imply what was going on with just the most minimal descriptors and dialogue in the Sana scene!)


And then with Mingyu, you get description and a metaphor:

Mingyu kissed like Jeonghan had expected him too: a little too enthusiastically, with no interlude between the first pressure of their lips touching and his tongue sliding into Jeonghan’s mouth, his hands in non-stop motion, his body like a furnace. When Mingyu’s hands fumbled for the button of his pants, Jeonghan knew he had only a short window of time before he was burned up and reduced to ash.

Looking at these now I think it’s really interesting how Mingyu gets the most detail and in part it seems fitting that that’s the act that he doesn’t go through with. (I’ll talk a bit about Mingyu’s section being set off in parentheses in a bit, too).

There are some things that I wonder how well I did them, like there being two very different metaphors in the Mingyu section, but I feel like this method of dealing with the sex scenes without actually writing sex scenes worked quite well for this fic and suited the theme much better than if I’d tried for more detail.


How to write Yoon Jeonghan’s lovers…

Honestly one of my favorite things about the response to this fic was people telling me which sections/relationships were their favorites! I want to talk about them but it will be a bit out of order compared to the actual fic.


The extras

The first thing is that I just knew I couldn’t write the NCT members or Sowon in any way that would do justice to them. I wanted to use Ally’s exact list but… there are some things one person simply cannot conquer and for me that is Kpop content of a group I’m not interested in, lol. (The Jeonghan/Sowon evidence videos were really interesting though and someone else should write a fic about how he was interested in her because she’s so tall. Not me but someone else.) That said I loved how Ally framed it in their comment: ”And I like how there are also incidents and people who don't feature significantly in his retelling of his life. It feels so realistic and also maybe it says something about Jeonghan, that he focuses on the weird fucked up moments and not on the simple happy ones.” I think this really captures the idea!


SCoups

Seungcheol I knew from the beginning would be the most significant of all the relationships and would likely be the longest section, and I also knew that there would be the debut-era actual relationship and a 2019 redux. Part of this came directly from Ally’s fic:

We loved each other as best we could," he says. "But we were young, and when you throw sex into the mix — it gets messy.

And part of it also happened when Seungcheol got moved on the timeline to be Jeonghan’s first real relationship. I’m pretty happy with the Jeongcheol dynamics I sketched out in these two sections, particularly the Seungcheol loved him more / Jeonghan loved him worse line. A lot of people have commented on the epilogue line which I’m really happy about as well.


Nayoung

I was actually most intimidated to write the Nayoung section because of the Jeonghan/Nayoung canon that exists—I’ve been informed that it’s just Sapphy and Risa but hello??? That’s an intimidating canon to stick my foot into! I’m pretty sure Ally included Nayoung in the list BECAUSE of the canon, but now I’d stuck myself with the task of fleshing it out.

I was able to do this where I couldn’t with Sowon or the NCTs because 1) of the canon and 2) I did ask Sapphy for some character meta to help me along. I think what I wrote is very much… fanon of those other fics? But honestly this is my favorite section of the whole fic.

I think what really compels me about this relationship is the idea that because of the nature of their relationship, he’s not faking. She’s in a precarious position in the company and he can’t do anything to help, but they don’t really owe each other anything (the way he has a network of obligations and guilt within his own group), but it’s also not just casual or hurtful (the way some of the other relationships are). I think this is his most mature relationship in the fic in some ways because of this level of acknowledgment of who they both are and where they are in their lives.

I also quite liked this stretch of dialogue:

I’ve never—” she whispered, her eyes shut tight. “I mean. I’ve never had the opportunity.”
“You don’t need to prove anything to me,” he said.
She swallowed hard. “Maybe I want something for myself.

I think there’s a level of vulnerability he accepts with her that he doesn’t with his other relationships that really comes across in this dialogue, and I feel really happy about that! But of course—this is the same reason why it couldn’t last. They’re far too aware of the dynamic of their lives, the nature of his fame, and what they can actually be to each other for it to last beyond the few months sketched out here.


The fans

All right, so. Was that first section about a fan a lie, or not?

Actually, you know what—
This one is a lie.
Ha! Can you believe you fell for it?

Honestly, this is completely up to your (the reader’s) interpretation. I wanted it to come across either way—either he’s telling the truth and you’ve been taken on a journey, or he decided to undo the truth he just told you by pretending it was a lie. Which is it? It kind of depends on how you see him and if he’s even capable of telling the truth about this.

However, what I did intend was for at least some fans to be true. It’s framed as something he’s ashamed of, something that can’t even be discussed in polite company or acknowledged to the hypothetical Seungkwan this is all being hypothetically told to. But the question is, if he’s at that level of fame and it’s so easy to find someone to sleep with, and there aren’t any consequences, can he resist it? And the idea that he couldn’t was really interesting to me. But the idea too that it’s something he sees as so shameful that he won’t even really acknowledge it fit within the whole framework of the story.

I actually did draw this from Ally’s fic:

Two of them were fans — don't make that face, I've stopped doing that now.

And of course the difference here is that it’s glossed over, treated as insignificant, and moved past. You’ve got to have a lot of bluster to get people to forget about that and to take a potentially false number as the truth, which he manages in the original fic but doesn’t quite manage here when giving more detail.


The high school girlfriend and the dancer

I really wanted some kind of predebut relationship mostly for the same reasons as above—there’s a thread here that maybe I didn’t pull on quite enough, about shame.

What I hope came across with the high school girlfriend was that she felt ashamed, and he found a way to protect her by diverting attention—with lies. The idea being that they got into a sexual situation they weren’t ready for and didn’t know how to deal with, and so he found a way around the gossip about their breakup by lying. The idea that sex needs to be cloaked in lies is obviously a repeated one throughout the fic, but I also wanted it to come across here as an innocent mistake, a step taken into deep water without realizing how (emotionally) deep it was going to be.

The dancer is the same thing in the opposite direction. This is the section I rewrote the most times, actually, because I kept trying to find the best way to get across the idea that he wasn’t actually a bad guy but there was a level to which they were both using each other that harmed Jeonghan a lot. It’s shame about wanting relationship and intimacy and taking attention and pleasure instead of dealing with that. There’s selfishness on both sides and major communication issues, but Jeonghan’s hurt is very real—and he can’t quite deal with it, seeing as this is a situation he sought out for himself. Which brings us to…


Mingyu

In the original fic, Seungkwan’s ultimate conclusion is that Jeonghan is in love with Mingyu and therefore hasn’t slept with him. So I knew that the Mingyu issue needed to be a big part of the fic, but I also knew that it would be difficult to weave Mingyu in. There was also the issue that this Jeonghan would clearly leave out talking about someone he’s actually in love with.

So given all this, Mingyu comes in two sections: first of all, the inspiration to break up with the dancer comes because of the care and direct conversation Mingyu offers him. If Jeonghan is indirect here to a fault, Mingyu being direct is a pretty big opposition to his whole deal.

The second section, when they’re actually making out, I set off in parentheses because it’s almost like he couldn’t even bring himself to talk about it in this whole hypothetical conversation. It’s too tied up with his fears and desires to really even start to narrate it. But you sort of get to the same place Ally’s fic got to, which is him avoiding the intimacy that has the power to hurt him. Only in this version we have a lot more information about the hurt he’s experienced as someone who clearly feels and loves very deeply and kind of wishes he didn’t, so he could avoid all that pain.


Wonwoo

If I’m being honest I don’t have a lot to say about the Wonwoo section except that I’m so glad that you all liked the Wonhan lol. It was really fun to make them just funny and weird together and then transition back into the more serious themes of the fic by the end. Did you all like how I shoehorned wonhui in there? Sorry lol.


Sana

Okay here we’ve clearly got a nice ouroboros of crackships happening lol. The Jeonghan/Sana tag now has two fics on AO3 and they’re both by me, and I think that’s also why Ally threw it in here (?)—it’s just funny!

All my Sana meta actually comes from Sixteen. I love the idea that she’s very deliberately playing up certain sides of herself and hiding other sides—the consummate idol. In this way I got to use her as an interesting foil to Jeonghan, coming right after the Wonwoo section who asks Jeonghan some very pointed questions.


Seungkwan

Seungkwan my love! I think one of the most compelling parts of the original is the implication that Seungkwan is a little in love with Jeonghan and very much trapped in his insecurity, but still fiercely loyal to Jeonghan in spite of how he’s hurting over Jeonghan’s unspoken rejection. (brb crying)

I really wanted to highlight the guilt Jeonghan feels around this, the value he finds in that relationship and also the ways he sees Seungkwan as precious. He can rationalize it to himself all day but deep down I don’t think he can find a good excuse for this relationship, but he also can’t get himself out of it. He’s just too lonely and there’s a level of trust and need between the two of them that’s magnetic even if Jeonghan deeply wants to be the bigger person here and do better by Seungkwan.


an addendum

I don't really have anywhere else to put this but I want to say that at some point the jihan implications were intentional lol. In my headcanon it became a "Jeonghan would if Joshua wanted to but Joshua doesn't want to" situation, which I find very funny especially since the way it comes up in the fic strikes me as more of something irritating Jeonghan than truly hurting him. I like to think he's very obnoxious about it!




How to end a fic commentary…

To me, the part of the fic that I’m probably most proud of is the last line.
The idea that it does end with the truth. That somewhere in whatever fiction you just read lies some kind of objective, meaningful, important truth. What it is is kind of up to the listener (reader) but it IS there.

I guess that’s all I have to say about that? If you read this far, thanks for reading this literal essay. I don’t know why it’s this long! And thank you to everyone who read this fic and offered commentary and encouragement—you don’t know how precious that is to me!

And thank you Ally for the (unexpected) chance to remix your fic! You're amazing and it was an amazing opportunity for me to write something I never would have written otherwise. What a wild ride for all of us lol!